Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay (1991)

LivingDeadInTokyoCoverI suppose you could make a worse zombie movie than Living Dead in Tokyo Bay. If you tried. Really, really hard. And had a whole lot of luck, too. Of course, a zero budget zombie movie from the director of ultra Japanese trash movies Guts Of A Beauty, Guts Of A Virgin, and Rusted Body: Guts Of A Virgin 3 and starring the guy who wrote the novel that the zero budget Japanese zombie movie Stacy was based upon means we’re talking “winning the lottery three times in a month” luck.

If you’ve seen any of Kazuo Komizu’s movies, you know what to expect: random scenes of over-the-top violence complimented by bottom of the barrel gore effects.

You might also expect his icky obsession with grody sex scenes, but thankfully those expectations were dashed and instead replaced with zombies getting shot and grossly inept fight scenes.

Komizu does hold fast to the one thing viewers love about all his rotten movies – the 70 minute running time! It’s the cinematic equivalent of ripping off a Band-Aid from an open, pussy, stinky wound really fast!

The very beginning of the movie is probably the only time Komizu demonstrates anything close to competency when he posits that a meteor has landed in Tokyo Bay and somehow has caused the dead to come back to life to lay a beat down on the living. Derivative? Yes, but at least I can understand it. (And no, this competency I speak of does not extend to the cheesy special effects involving the meteor, the un-acting that occurs, or the lack of skills behind the camera).

The Japanese military quickly sets up death zones around Tokyo to prevent the spread of the virus that currently affects the undead and also so that the world won’t know how lame Tokyo is now that it’s being run by zombies.

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There is also some mention that the virus is affecting humans as well, though I don’t really know much about that because in zombie movies, I’m not paying much attention to whatever sniffles the humans have. I’m here to see guys with gooey heads using arms for toothpicks!

In the midst of this mess is our heroine Keiko. Her father is some type of military bigwig who took time out from fighting the zombie invasion to record all sorts of messages for his daughter.

She follows the instructions contained in the messages which eventually bring her into possession of a black battle suit that her dad also managed to leave her during this mess. I’m assuming the battle suit allows her to fight really well since she’s able to put some super sweet moves on evil humans and zombies alike, but like everything else in the movie, no explanation is offered.

Apparently concerned that his poorly funded, poorly shot zombie vs. babe in battle suit idea was not sufficiently terrible enough, Komizu adds another twist to the zombie movie genre. The military is taking advantage of the situation to create a zombie-human hybrid! These freaks are characterized by wearing face paint and wardrobes cribbed from early 1980s Italian post-apocalyptic movies which means one thing: spiked shoulder pads!

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These creatures don’t like humans or zombies and just want to kill everything which I suppose should ratchet up the tension, but I think there were only four of them and the fact that the evil general had to huddle up football-style with them to give them instructions didn’t inspire much confidence.

They do provide the single highlight of the movie however. During a fight with Keiko, one of them starts putting pro-wrestling moves on her! Sadly, it was only a backbreaker and piledriver (couldn’t we get a Stone Cold Stunner or a Sharpshooter, too?), but it was a welcome addition to the zombie mythos just the same.

Demonstrating the stupidity this movie is suffused with, the evil general in charge of the mutants explains that he is going to use them to take over the world!

No one will laugh at Japan being taken over by zombies because they’ll be too busy getting their ass kicked by his mutants! Um, except that the mutants exist to kill everything. How is that taking over anything? His crazy plan ends in the only way it could – with a grenade shoved into his mouth.

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Keiko isn’t done with her mission yet though. She also meets up with her father and he gives her a job being in charge of a rescue mission or something. It was a very touching reunion, but we see what a different world we now live in because she goes to shake his hand and he salutes instead!

If we’re living in a world where a gal has to wear a sexy battle suit her dad made for her, gets a job in his anti-zombie army and has to salute him, haven’t the zombies already won?

And in the case of this movie, the zombies would have won with a minimum of effort. There wasn’t a whole lot of zombie action going on. They tear up maybe a handful of people and those aren’t even that messy!

And as far as the zombie killing goes, I suppose if you like to watch mannequins with exploding heads, then you might spill your entrails in glee over this one, but the only gasps of horror from us normal folks will be at how unprofessional it all is.

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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