Creepozoids (1987)

You can be forgiven if you forgot that World War III happened back in 1998 like Creepozoids depicts with all the conviction of a movie made for a few thousand dollars inside a single building with six people, including scream queen Linnea Quigley, guys who spend most of the film shrieking like women (Quigley must have been wondering if they were trying to steal her gimmick) and a sometimes porn star can muster.

That year was of course when the Creepozoid-in-Chief, Bill Clinton, got his horny ass impeached! But the nuclear war that ravaged the landscape and caused deadly acid rain to fall was probably the second biggest story that year.

And really, it wasn’t like this apocalypse was any more memorable than the other 100 or so that afflicted video stores at the time. It’s pretty much your standard issue, giant rat infested, braless, Alien rip-off. And for fans of 71 minutes of people running around in the same hallway and airshaft broken up by bouts of juicy gore effects, this end of the world living hell is, if not heaven, a fairly bland purgatory.

Creepozoids is one of those movies where you keep expecting something more to happen because you can’t believe the story is really that bare bones. But that’s probably the Creepozoids’ most heinous power! Nothing much happens other than five dummies getting picked off, while a feeble explanation involving amino acids is periodically floated by various characters. Heck, I’m still not sure exactly what a Creepozoid is or what its deadly abilities are.

Sometimes Creepozoid (despite the title, I was never convinced there was any more than one) does something vague that causes people to get sick at dinner like that guy in Alien and drop dead in a puddle of special effects bloat, rot and ooze! Other times, Creepozoid acts like he doesn’t want to mess around with all the suspense of that and just hunts people down and stabs them with his claws. One time Creepozoid even got so pissed that a guy was trying to use a computer to make a telephone call, he spewed out some acid spit on it, blowing it up! Do not use Creepozoid’s work station for personal business, jerk face!

Creepozoid also may have been afflicted with a mutant monster version of Attention Deficit Disorder because a couple of times a guy would get attacked in Creepozoid’s lair, get knocked out, but be revived by his friends and dragged to safety and then Creepozoid would have to start the process over again.

Then there’s the infestation of monstrous mice to contend with. The giant stuffed rats that characters had to periodically roll around convincingly with must have been test subjects that escaped from their cages. There was really no point to the rat attacks other than to give Creepozoid a much needed breather (his monster suit was bulky enough it looked like it was a bitch to walk around in). The rats did provide one of the great moments in the movie when it crawled up the back of Quigley’s shirt forcing her to writhe around like a hunchback while this thing’s nasty tail is sticking out of the bottom of her shirt. Definitely put that on your sizzle reel, Linnea!

Despite a climax that sees Creepozoid getting injected by the lone survivor with some mysterious kill juice, Creepozoid uses his demise to unleash his greatest evil yet: Lil’ Creepozoid!

Straight from the clearance sale of It’s Alive props, Lil’ Creepozoid is a moist half human half Creepozoid baby whose fangy ugliness is surpassed only by his crappy attitude! While watching a grown man pretend to wrestle with a doll in a life or death struggle never fails to minimally entertain, it’s when our hero chokes out Lil’ Creepozoid with its own umbilical cord that Creepozoids enters the stratosphere of tacky trash that you’ll want to force your friends to watch!

Objectively speaking, Creepozoids as a film is a failure on each and every level chock full of annoying performances, a plot that almost doesn’t even qualify as a story, but somehow manages to repeat itself even with the abbreviated running time and sets so low rent that a movie really shot after World War III would look better.

More importantly though is that subjectively speaking Creepozoid is like Alien’s Xenomorph but better because Creepozoid has big ant-like pinchers on his mouth. And he has a mean little baby. And giant rats as pets. And Creepozoid’s pad is so banging it has a working shower for one of our dirty couples to use!

It even leaves you with a warm slimy feeling when at the very end, Lil’ Creepozoid turns out not to be dead and opens his big evil eyes and stares into the camera, freeze framing his way into our baby monster loving hearts!

© 2017 MonsterHunter

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