Starquest II (1996)

Star Quest II VHS CoverIf I was an alien in charge of a secret plan to use humans in a crazy breeding experiment to preserve my own dying race, there’s a few things I would do differently than what is done in Starquest II.

First of all, I wouldn’t staff my spaceship for the most important mission in the history of my civilization with only four aliens and a robot. That’s not near enough alien muscle to keep a bunch of surly and horny humans in line. The fact that three of the four aliens turn out to be rebels against the plan not only underlines the need to better vet the crew members, but to also perhaps illustrate why this race of morons needs some of our sweet goodies!

Another thing I probably would have given more thought to is the criteria for selecting humans for this mission.

Sure, you might be able to justify the astronauts since they’ve presumably had training for space travel and would have an open mind to alien cultures. And you could also make a case for the two military personnel as they would be battle hardened tough guys who wouldn’t run scared from a little alien sexing up.

It’s the kickboxer and his stripper girlfriend that have me a little worried! Worried that with all that alien cross-breeding going on that we wouldn’t get a good dose of kickboxing and stripping that is!

Without question, Starquest II takes all that was bad about the original Star Quest and doubles it! The group of bickering jerks meandering around the same three spaceship sets bickers more and are jerkier!

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The forgettable cast of TV actors that populated Star Quest are replaced with even more forgettable actors who have probably appeared in TV shows that we’ve all forgotten!

The story makes so little sense that Freddy Krueger himself, Robert England, has to explain everything to us in excruciating detail during his big death scene at the end of the movie! Just claw my brains out of my head and be done with it, Freddy!

Those of you who hated (quite rightfully I might add) Star Quest and are concerned that Starquest II is just a weak rehash of a black hole-sized dog turd can take comfort in the fact that this latest installment crosses the final frontier of stink in an effort to deliver even less entertainment value for your time! And Starquest II is even shorter than the already short first one!

While the first movie padded out its running time with meaningless sessions in the virtual reality room, Starquest II goes and plays the softcore sex scene card!

With brain-damaging snyth porn music thumping in the background, various cast members would suddenly decide to start playing space grab ass with one another despite the fact that they had no idea what they were doing on the ship in the first place! “What? How did I get here? What are these aliens up to? I’ll check into all that right after I get laid!”

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Starquest II does have some things going for it though. For instance, it makes you appreciate director Fred Gallo’s alien-on-the-loose-on-a-shoestring-budget epic, Dead Space. That one had the Beastmaster Marc Singer in it though, whereas Adam Baldwin stars in Starquest II. This Adam guy isn’t even one of those cruddy famous Baldwin brothers! It just feels like you’re watching Stephen Baldwin!

I suppose that since this non-Baldwin brother appeared in Firefly and that Freddy Krueger is on board as an alien disguised as a preacher, they are the official stars. The only guy though worth watching is the potty-mouth kickboxer called Trit played by kickboxing movie legend Jerry Trimble!

Not Jerry “Golden Boy” Trimble, the 1986 PKA and PKC Kickboxing Champion of the World! Yes! The very same Golden Boy who hook kicked his way into the hearts and solar plexuses of obscure action movie fans everywhere with star turns in Stranglehold, Full Contact, One Man Army, and everyone’s favorite, Live By The Fist!

Golden Boy provides the only semblance of action in the movie when he kicks the crap out of that guy from Firefly and brawls with the android. He even manages to punch a hole in the side of the ship after blasting the android with some kind of large pump action gun, causing the robot to get sucked into space!

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His stripper girlfriend does her part as well, giving him a dance while he’s strapped to a chair because the rest of the humans think he killed someone. Fans of all things gratuitous will be pleased to know that she also gives a dance to an alien disguised as a sexy human woman! The alien kills her for her trouble though, proving once and for all that this is an alien race that doesn’t deserve to survive!

Veterans of Dead Space and Starquest will want to know if the footage of the spaceships shooting at each other that appeared in both those movies also makes an appearance here as well. Are you stupid? Of course it does!

But there’s plenty more to keep cinematic detectives with more time than real life on their hands with all the clips that are used in this movie. Right off hand, I can say that I recognized some scenes from Crime Zone and others have already also noted scenes from Brain Dead.

Some of Roger Corman‘s war and exotic dancer movies may also be represented, but I’m not well versed in either of those genres to know for sure. I’d also wager that at least some of the exterior shots of the spaceship were last seen in the first Star Quest.

Roger has the right idea here. I think I’m going to just start using clips of myself watching earlier movies to watch these sequels from now on.

© 2015 MonsterHunter

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