Delta Force Commando (1988)

Does it make me a bad person if as soon as I saw the pregnant Mrs. Delta Force Commando, I was hoping she would be viciously murdered?

I suppose I should explain. When you’re Delta Force Commando and have retired from the Delta Force for a military desk job, you’re always going to be yearning for some good old-fashioned black ops/plausible deniability mission that sees you slitting throats, blowing up choppers, and generally destabilizing unfriendly Third World governments.

I know making sure the Puerto Rican base you’re stationed at maintains its inventory of staplers and paper clips is also an important part of American national security, but the rush you get from counting boxes of copy toner isn’t quite the same as diving out of exploding jeeps.

A relationship involves making trade-offs and compromises. By getting killed, Mrs. Delta Force Commando gives her husband a reason to live. He in turn vows to get the dirty bastards who ruined his boring, peaceful domestic bliss no matter the cost.

It’s really a win-win situation for everyone. And by everyone, I of course mean the viewer sitting at home, anxious to see unholy vengeance meted out through the use of more knives, bombs, ammo, and rockets than were used in both world wars combined.

But that’s not all! You also get two commandos for the price of one! Not only are we blessed with the beefy, dim-witted appeal of Bret Baxter Clark from Cobra Mission 2 as Delta Force Commando, but you get low budget Italian film superstar and former National Football League standout Fred “The Hammer” Williamson (2019: After The Fall Of New York, 1990: Bronx Warriors, The Inglorious Bastards) as his reluctant and sassy partner, ace pilot Captain Beck!

Delta Force Commando 1

The set up for this one is inane to the point of being irrelevant. Terrorists hit Delta Force Commando’s base and steal an atomic bomb conveniently kept in a metal backpack with a large radiation symbol stenciled on it.

Putting aside the reality of whether Puerto Rican military bases actually have A-Bombs laying around to steal, what makes even less sense is one of the terrorists decides to shoot up Delta Force Commando’s apartment for no reason other than he happened to see DFC in the hallway. Admittedly, he and his goons were running off with the bomb, but again, what A-Bomb is going to be stored down the hall from DFC’s apartment?

After spending all of two seconds holding his dead wife, DFC hits the streets looking for payback! First he carjacks Captain Beck’s Mercedes to go after the bad guys and after getting that blown up, he hits the local watering hole where his former Delta Force commander (expertly played by Bo Svenson also of The Inglorious Bastards) informs him that the terrorists are believed to be somewhere near Nicaragua.

After getting to Nicaragua and surviving a dogfight which saw Hammer shoot down another fighter (I’m not entirely sure that it wasn’t one of ours!), they run out of gas, eject and then the jet blows up! Because jets blow up when they run out of fuel!

Delta Force Commando 2

But who cares if they really do or not! DFC sure doesn’t since he’s on the ground and still has his duffel bag full of weapons he stole from the base armory right before hijacking Hammer’s jet. (If they started court martialling Delta Force Commando right after the movie ended for everything he did, they still wouldn’t be done!)

DFC’s plan consists of running around whatever town he ended up in until he ran into enemy soldiers to kill. Guys are getting shoot, knives are chucked into them, and best of all, getting hit with the silver ball bearings that DFC is firing from his Delta Force Issue Slingshot! I couldn’t wait to see what he was going to do with his Delta Force Issue Mini-Crossbow!

Just like I wasn’t let down with the pregnant wife angle of the film, the mini-crossbow exceeds our wildest expectations! After stealing a city bus, DFC uses it in a firefight with a helicopter and somehow ends up commandeering the copter for himself!

DFC and Hammer find the terrorists hanging out near a dam and have a big battle there. Naturally, this results in their helicopter getting blown up right after they bail out. Incredibly, this would not be the last helicopter they would be involved with blowing up.

DFC finally engages the head terrorist in hand to hand combat which ends the only way it could – with DFC pulling the pin on a couple of grenades, dumping them in this guy’s pockets and kicking him out of a second story window!

Oh, and the guy playing the terrorist? It’s just Mark Gregory, better known and beloved as Trash from 1990: Bronx Warriors and Escape From the Bronx!

Delta Force Commando 3

Delta Force Commando would be a classic if it was just this random mix of actors and carnage I’ve already described, but this is a film that also gives us those little touches that earn it a spot on anyone’s ten best Italian commando movie list.

Dardano Sacchetti’s script is not only littered with a mega-dose of cussing, but also bits of dialogue you’ll be rewinding to listen to again and again. Whether it’s Bo Svenson declaring that “I’m not in the thinking business, I’m in the military business” or when he tells some evil bureaucrat that the only reason he’s still alive is because Bo only has three weeks until he retires or when Hammer complains about one DFC’s grenades making him sick and DFC retorting that it’s a “puke-grenade”, you’ll be sharing these action witticisms with your friends and family for weeks to come.

At the end of the film when the bomb is ready to detonate and they’re surrounded by enemy forces, DFC seems ready to accept to defeat when Hammer unleashes perhaps his best line of the film: “Hey, this beautiful brown body’s got a lot of living left to do, pal!” Not to be outdone, DFC counters with “excuse me while I throw up!”

What a relief it was then when the real Delta Force showed up to rescue them and the bomb turned out to be a fake one used on maneuvers! What a wacky misunderstanding on everyone’s part! Time for Hammer to head back to base, shake off the puke grenades and get ready for Delta Force Commando II: Priority Red One!

© 2015 MonsterHunter

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