The Capitol Conspiracy (1999)

The Capitol Conspiracy DVD CoverA psychically super-powered Don “The Dragon” Wilson uses all his clairvoyant abilities to erase my whole memory of this movie!

Seriously, I would be watching this movie, mentally noting all the great things that were happening when all of a sudden, BAM! I couldn’t remember them anymore! It was almost as if the awesome things that must have occurred in The Capitol Conspiracy (also known as The Prophet) never happened at all!

But that was impossible since this was another team up between The Dragon and Fred Olen Ray following up their Operation Cobra which never failed to entirely not be as bad as you would have guessed!

It wasn’t like The Dragon and Fred tried to do anything much different this second time around. Another sub 90 minute film that moved briskly from one outbreak of violence to another without delay, a unlimited buffet of nameless thugs for The Dragon to break in half and shoot, and a scene of a building exploding that was first seen in Operation Cobra!

Fred even manages to shoehorn in his trademark “The Dragon gets ass” scene, when The Dragon and his surly, butch partner spend three or four minutes caressing each other’s naked bods! So how did it go so wrong?

Maybe it didn’t! After all, I might just be parroting something that The Dragon hypnotized me into saying! Who can really know since The Dragon’s magic powers come and go depending on the demands of the plot!

It’s thanks to Uncle Sam that The Dragon has himself some of that remote viewing ability that was all the rage in the late 1960s. He was part of an experiment by the feds where a bunch of orphans were somehow given this psychic ability which was going to be used to locate POW camps in Nam.

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It didn’t really work out and some of you out there would probably point to such a harebrained scheme as to why we lost the war. WRONG! We didn’t lose nothing! That’s all liberal loser talk and real Americans know it!

You can damn sure bet that if the lefties, feminists, and tree huggers weren’t running the Red, White, and Blue down all the time and let The Dragon and his scrappy band of orphan mindhunters do their freaking jobs, we probably would have been spared all those Missing In Action movies!

The Dragon wouldn’t want us playing the blame game though, regardless of how much the pinkos ruined this great republic, so we find ourselves in the present when all the orphans have grown up and begun experiencing side effects like headaches, flashbacks, and loose stools. The Dragon is now a CIA agent who has been assigned a mission to go and bring the others back to the Company for questioning.

And since this wouldn’t be much of a movie without the customary doublecrossing, backstabbing, hidden agendas, and plain pointless lying, The Dragon is told these five people are all suspected of being the leaders of a dangerous international cult. And they all live in southern California! Hey, The Dragon’s mental power is remote viewing, not common sense!

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The local crabby partner he has to team up with practically has “murderous traitor” scrawled across her oversized jugs right from the get go. The Dragon though doesn’t figure any of this out, not even when she explains that she had to shoot a docile housewife because she shot her first. In an effort to sell this lame story to The Dragon, she points to the superficial flesh wound on her arm. I’ve had worse wounds cutting my face shaving! And I never shot anybody because of it!

If The Dragon doesn’t have enough problems with his partner killing the people he’s trying to bring in whenever his back is turned, some meanies in the CIA have also sent out a team of agents to kill him, too!

At some point in all this, his rotten partner offers a feeble explanation why she hadn’t killed him yet, but by this time The Dragon had wised up and was beating her unconscious with the clip of her own gun! Then he left her in a heap and we never saw her again!

This also happened with the head of the hit squad sent after him. The Dragon threw him off a train and there was no more mention of him. It didn’t even look like he landed that hard!

The Dragon does plenty of fighting, runs around here and there, busts up a biker bar, and brawls atop the aforementioned train, but it was all kind of executed in a rather blah manner. The train didn’t look like it was moving all that fast and there wasn’t a strong enough villain to really get a good showdown with.

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The guy he fought on the train was notable only for his fake-looking teeth. It made me long for the idiotic hand gestures and Death Touch of the tool The Dragon fought in Red Sun Rising.

The anti-climatic ending features Italian film legend Barbara Steele (Nightmare Castle, Black Sunday) for some reason and I still wasn’t sure why she was wanting to kill all these people. Why not just leave them be?

There was one guy that had hacked into the government database and knew their pasts, but just send a hit squad to kill him and forget the rest.

And why involve The Dragon? These movies are always picking the most dangerous and morally upright guy on the planet to do some dopey evil plan and then get upset when he turns against them and kicks a new hole in their ass!

The whole remote viewing thing is unconvincing and is barely fleshed out in a few flashbacks and some exposition. The Dragon sometimes had some Spidey sense that helped him and sometimes it didn’t.

The standard action, sub-standard story, and a forgettable cast, all combine to put this on the lower end of The Dragon’s cinema spectrum. Utterly lacking in any standout moments, good, bad or otherwise, The Capitol Conspiracy is a painless mindwipe of 83 minutes of your life.

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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