Karate Warrior 5 (1992)

Karate Warrior’s girlfriend kidnapped and held for ransom! One of Karate Warrior’s closest friends and newly inducted member of the legendary Extra Large Club of America implicated! A monster of a man training relentlessly for a deadly showdown at the iconic second floor strip mall karate club (right above the “Wide Fashion” store) where all of Karate Warrior’s biggest victories have taken place! And Karate Warrior only has time to train for about 30 seconds with Sensei and hoping that Sensei’s patented Most Respected Sternum Punch can somehow overcome all the freaking odds of all previous Karate Warrior movies put together!

If not the most epic of all of the simpering piss-colored robe wearing punch putz films, Karate Warrior 5 is definitely the fattest! Karate Warrior’s fat friend Tubby finds himself the center of the action and intrigue and acquits himself quite well in his post diet-pill salesman phase which began with him selling friend chicken during the big match that concluded Karate Warrior 4.

Completely embracing the lardly lifestyle he and his large lady friend have been somewhat in denial about, both of them begin to attend meetings of the Extra Large Club of America.

The ELCA is very exclusive as we find out right from the beginning when Tubby’s friends are refused entry because they just aren’t fat enough! But this isn’t just any old club devoted to pigs complaining about physically fit folks without self-esteem issues. This club has got members only sweat suits!

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And what sweat suits they are! If not for porn machine Ron Jeremey’s surprise appearance in the previous installment, the sweat suits would easily be the series highpoint. A blinding salmon color (so much the better for the fatties to flaunt it all in front of skinny twerps!), these loose fitting garments are emblazoned with the ELCA’s logo – a crossed knife and fork!

As awesome as these sweat suits were though (and they must have been since Tubby and his girlfriend insisted on wearing these grody things most of the film), they would also prove to get Tubby in some of the biggest trouble of his life!

Some of the evil kids from the last movie team up with a bunch of car stealing freaks who run a junkyard and once they put their heads together, they decide to kidnap Karate Warrior’s rich girlfriend. And also decide that their giant black kung fu buddy will brawl with Karate Warrior at the end of the movie!

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In a set up that may well have been ingenious, but since this film like Karate Warrior 3 and Karate Warrior 4 had no English option, may have also been hideously stupid, one of the kidnappers wears an ski mask and an ELCA sweat suit!

Another kidnapper somehow tricks Tubby into buying a pizza which somehow causes the police to believe that Tubby is the kidnapper! Even worse for Tubby, the police throw his pizza on the ground when they discover none of the ransom is inside of it! Could this day get any worse?

Thankfully, director Fabrizio De Angelis remembers all of a sudden that this is a Karate Warrior movie so he unleashes the titular tae kwon dope and he busts out his girlfriend and then heads off to the fight of his life against Alabama Bull!

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It’s a classic Karate Warrior match lasting only a few brain numbing minutes. As expected it’s replete with pointless slow motion which only serves to display the poorly staged fighting as well as all of Karate Warrior’s anguished expressions whenever he’s being savagely beaten until using his secret move to end the match.

Obviously, Karate Warrior 5 is a bit a breather between the Ron Jeremy-endorsed Karate Warrior 4 and Karate Warrior 6 where Tubby and crew go overseas and get involved with a mermaid. Still, it is essential viewing mainly because Karate Warrior makes a passing reference to it in the next film.

Short on Karate Warrior and long on Tubby and his barf colored fat suit, Karate Warrior 5 would under any other circumstances be called a failure on a cosmic scale, but in the Karate Warrior universe, it merely feels like its treading water until the gang heads to Greece for the internationally spectacular conclusion to one of the only film series with five sequels no one has ever heard of!

© 2015 MonsterHunter

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