As Karate Warrior embarked on his sixth, final and most majestically numbskull quest ever, I found myself overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. After six films, I had spent more time with Karate Warrior than I had with my own father!
Wrestling with the sense of loss now that this journey was finally ending, I found a semblance of peace as I recalled the words of one of the great philosophers of our time who said “here at last, on the shores of the sea… comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.”
And Gandalf the White was right! It was totally ok to shed some tears over Karate Warrior’s last adventure! Tears of laughter!
It all starts at the local watering hole where Karate Warrior and his girlfriend are reminiscing fondly about what happened in Karate Warrior 5. He’s tells her that it seems like only yesterday that she was kidnapped and then asks her what’s happening with the court case against the Penguin! Obviously Karate Warrior has been kicked in the head too many times since he has mistaken their latest adventure with a Batman comic he read.
Karate Warrior can be excused for mixing reality with fantasy though considering what happens next. One of his friends (a fat guy affectionately called Tubby) rides his bike into the limo of an foreign king. Though he is not hurt (blubber doesn’t bruise – it only jiggles) he gets $10,000 from the king.
Tubby announces to his friends that he is going to take them on a vacation to Greece with the money, but first they’re all going on a shopping spree to get really tricked out wardrobes. The viewer is advised at this point to put down his or her beverage and swallow so that no spitting up is involved when we cut to the shopping spree at… JCPenney’s!
After spending about $135 on matching shorts and caps at Penney’s, the boys fly off to Greece where Tubby gets involved in something that makes the Penney’s shopping spree look like the Manhattan Project. Late at night along the shoreline, Tubby encounters a guy with a violin who uses it to summon a mermaid from the depths!
The guy wants a bunch of money to allow Tubby to have access to the mermaid and Tubby manages to convince one of his friends to go along with this plan. In Karate Warrior’s defense, he was not involved in this scheme. Yes, he’s been whacked in the head hundreds of times over the course of six movies, but it’s not like he’s had his brain surgically removed.
Guess what happens next? The guy steals the money and runs away! And the mermaid turns out to be fake! And a man! While I’m no expert in cinema, I think I can safely say that a tranny mermaid is a first in an Italian karate movie.
Writer/director Fabrizio De Angelis knows what made previous hits such as The Karate Kid, Splash, and The Crying Game work and smartly combines them into a story that somehow forces Karate Warrior to not only compete in a karate match, but also a motocross race!
A motocross race? See how Fabrizio brings everything full circle in this movie? Way back in the original Karate Warrior, it was established that before Karate Warrior became the kung fu superhero with the sissiest costume of all time, he was an expert dirt bike racer!
And now, in his final explosive adventure, thousands of miles from home, with everything at stake, he has to lay his Golden Kimono aside and strap on the motorcycle leathers and helmet one last time in a race for glory! And for $2000 for plane tickets back home since Tubby got their tickets stolen in that mermaid debacle.
But what about his karate way of life? Don’t tell me that Fabrizio sent his most prolific hero into the sunset without a last karate battle of the bands! Okay, I won’t! Because it would be a frigging lie! The guy that Karate Warrior beats in the motorcycle race is none other than local karate champ Mustapha!
And guess who it was that helped Karate Warrior win the race by providing him a bike to ride? Mustapha’s disgruntled fiancee! And now, Karate Warrior feels obligated to fight Mustapha in a no holds barred karate dance of death in three days in order to free Mustapha’s fiancee from her engagement!
Three days isn’t much, but it’s more than enough for an extensive training montage to show how out of shape Karate Warrior is. It’s also more than enough time for Karate Warrior’s girlfriend, dad (poor David Warbeck again), and mentor to fly over to Greece and train his out of shape ass back into fighting trim so that he can absorb Mustapha’s beat down for about the last ten minutes of the movie before he gets the go ahead to use the Dragon Punch!
Star Ron Williams who has been Karate Warrior since Karate Warrior 3 demonstrates the karate ability of a goat, but Fabrizio sends everyone home happy by tacking on a epilogue back in the United States where Tubby tries to fake another accident to get more money from the foreign king. The king’s bodyguards respond by slapping him in the face repeatedly while Tubby’s friends watch and laugh! Without question, a satisfyingly abominable and nonsensical send off to the wimpiest and blandest of all big screen karate heroes.
© 2015 MonsterHunter