Blue Angel Cafe (1989)

I don’t think that Richard really wanted to be governor all that badly. Sure, he was giving interviews, holding court in his fancy office shuffling files while advising his secretary he was not to be disturbed, and having cocktail party receptions, but I don’t think his heart was in it. And I sure know his dingus wasn’t in it either! Because it kept getting into his stripper/singer girlfriend when his old lady was out of town at her mother’s!

But it wasn’t Richard having an affair so much that led me to that conclusion. Heck, we had that tubby president who sodomized a gal with a freaking cigar for crying out loud! And who knows what George Washington did with those hippopotamus ivory dentures of his!

Americans have to know that their leaders can bone with the best of them, but you’ve got to be just a little bit discreet about it. You can’t go shoving your studliness in our face – we have our double standards to maintain after all.

Richard didn’t really seem to grasp this notion that your indiscretions must be kept to mere innuendo level because he was pretty much doing everything but pumping this broad in a campaign commercial!

Richard doesn’t get any help from the people surrounding him either. His old lady (Kate) makes him wait at the beauty parlor for her and guess who just happens to be there getting a topless massage for all to see? And guess who decides to go ahead and get dressed right in front of Richard when he’s just trying to admire his wife’s new fuddy duddy hair do?

I don’t care if you’re a male hairdresser, when some stacked blonde is posing in black panties and giving you the eye at the beauty parlor, you’re going to want to give her a shampoo! It almost makes me wonder why I still go to a cruddy old barber shop!

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And what in the hell is Richard’s dimwit butler doing letting this woman into his house when Richard is out? He claims he made her stay out on the veranda, but when Richard goes into his bedroom, she’s buck naked taking a bath in his tub! Oops! You mean this isn’t the veranda? Silly old me!

The rest of the movie details how Richard realizes his mistake and does everything he can to avoid being exposed thus costing him his career and wife, right? There’s probably lots of Fatal Attraction-style moments where pets die, phone threats are made and dirty pictures are waved around. And it all ends with someone being stabbed, shot or hopefully pushed off a building! Yeah, maybe in some awful world where Joe D’Amato didn’t direct this movie!

D’Amato (Absurd) is clearly after something else here, though I had really no idea what it was.

Richard gets set up by Angie’s agent and the affair is exposed about 30 minutes into the movie. The purpose seemed to be to generate some big tabloid money for Angie to tell her story. Except that she’s really in love with him! And Richard is really in love with her! So they move in together!

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Then he gets the old heave-ho from the governor’s race and kicked out of his political party! He also gets divorced from Kate and he and Angie have a nice montage where they are happy doing sissy stuff like running along the docks together and going to the mall. We know Richard is happy because of the really sissy sweaters he begins to wear.

A year goes by and Richard still doesn’t have a new job. He’s broke, has to sell his big ass house and move into a crappy apartment, and develops a healthy drinking problem. We know he’s not happy because the ugly sweaters are gone, replaced by shirts that are unbuttoned, bathrobes, and a lack of shoes.

Angie is pissed because they don’t have any money and we can see that she only loved him for his wealth and powerful position. Except that maybe she wasn’t that shallow because then she went and got her old job back and even picked up an extra gig as a centerfold to make ends meet!

I was never entirely sure what Richard and Angie were all about especially since somehow or other Richard ended up back with Kate in the fancy house he had to sell earlier. Those unfamiliar with D’Amato’s work may chalk it up to a muddled story and characters, but since it’s all in service to Angie parading around in heels and stockings, who cares? Muddle away!

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Tara Buckman (Night Killer) displays the gravitas of someone indifferent to taking off her clothes every ten minutes or so while the guy who played Richard parlays the looks of Eric Roberts’ brain damaged little brother into a role where he exuded all the presence of a piece of plywood painted up to look like a person.

It’s a testament to D’Amato’s abilities that he could wring chuckles from the audience with such moments as Richard slumped over in Angie’s dressing room while chugging from a whiskey bottle in a brown paper bag as well as when an angry Richard shoves Angie’s dirty magazine in her face complaining about her layout. He must have picked it up at the porn shop on the way to the liquor store!

But do you know how totally awesome D’Amato is? The photographer for Angie’s nude pictures was none other than Black Emanuelle herself, Laura Gemser! But do you know how unawesome D’Amato is? All she did was take pictures!

And by the time Angie, for the FOURTH time, sings the title song that’s so bad Cthulhu himself probably banished it from his hideous dimension, you’ll understand why Richard is back with Kate in his fashion-don’t sweaters and apparently on tranquilizers. For fans of Tara’s ta-tas only. Which means all of us!

© 2016 MonsterHunter

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