Future Kick (1991)

Future Kick DVD CoverIn the future, all our kicking will be done by cyborgs who wear large sunglasses! And in that very same terrifying future, only one cyborg will do his kicking for good! That’s almost by default though since we are repeatedly told that he is the last of his kind. Except for the evil cyborg played by Christopher Penn. At least I think Chris was playing an evil cyborg. Maybe he was just bleeding luminous green stuff because of his off-screen personal life.

Don “The Dragon” Wilson plays Future Kick, a cyborg who makes his living bringing in criminals for the reward money. Future Kick also was called Walker, but that was clearly his slave name. Plus, I rather doubt I would have ever bothered with the movie if it had been called Walker Kick. Don has all the credentials to convincingly play Future Kick since he’s the 88 time World Whup Ass Light Heavyweight Champion and is internationally recognized as the only man to make nearly as many Bloodfist movies.

In fact, Future Kick (the movie, not the cyborg) makes sure we know why Don is so believable when he speaks his 20 or so lines with all the conviction of a man-made machine by crediting him at the beginning of the film as: Don “The Dragon” Wilson, World Kickboxing Association, World Light Heavyweight Champion. That was a smart move by the filmmakers because it reassured the audience that their kickboxing cyborg movie was the real deal. Before I saw that credit, I was worried that Don “The Dragon” Wilson might have gone to the Lee Strasberg Theater and Film Institute. Sure, they have a good rep, but their kickboxing curriculum is pretty weak.

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But what sort of messed up future is this where cyborgs kick stuff? Have all the warnings from the anti-American, pro-terrorist Democrat tree huggers finally come to pass? Has the Earth gone into that Thundarr the Barbarian apocalypse predicted by the global warming Chicken Littles of the socialist left? Has a strange new world risen from the old? A world of savagery, super science, and sorcery and actors driving around in hybrid cars? I wish! Thundarr was cool!

What actually happened is related by one of those helpful all knowing narrators these sorts of movies use to spare us dialogue-heavy scenes with kickboxing champions. There was a bunch of wars. The rich people moved to the moon. Then the giant corporations overthrew governments on Earth and took control.

The corporations created cyborgs like Future Kick to fight crime and maintain control. The cyborgs decided that corporate crime was the worst of all so the corporations created the Corporate Police to hunt down and execute the cyborgs (for some reason called cyberons). I’m sure it all made sense if you were a kickboxing champ who had been kicked in the head a lot times.

In case that wasn’t all convoluted enough, there’s a guy on the moon who is a programmer of virtual reality stuff and he decides to come to New Los Angeles on Earth to get some information about this business called New Body.

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New Body promises a service where they replace your old crappy body parts with new ones. This is accomplished by a highly advanced super science called “killing people and harvesting their vital organs.” What this had to do with a rich guy on the moon who makes video games, I don’t know, but it involved a stolen computer disc so I was hooked.

Bang (Chris Penn) and Hynes (some nobody) acquire the body parts for New Body via this claw-shaped bladed weapon they use to rip the hearts out of people. Once they do that, they use a rather advanced scientific invention called a Ziploc Bag to put the heart into.

Hynes also does some pro bono dismemberment when he decapitates a guy with a fire escape ladder, providing some welcome gore to go along with all the welcome kickboxing. Future Kick also gets his finger torn off in a fight! Good thing his name was Future Kick and not Future Punch!

Bang and Hynes don’t like rich computer programmers from the moon sniffing around their business so they kill this guy and recover the stolen disc. They also kill a variety of other people somehow involved. All of this would end this 75 minute movie about forty minutes early and without the necessity of Future Kick powering on except that the computer programmer has a snoopy wife who just has to know who killed her husband.

Snoopy Wife teams up with Future Kick since Future Kick had previously been approached by the dead husband and mainly since Snoopy Wife offered Future Kick $500,000. I honestly don’t recall that Future Kick did much in the way of anything beyond periodically getting into fights with Bang and Hynes who for some reason thought Snoopy Wife was a threat. What was the big deal? The cops were on the take and New Los Angeles was controlled by the corporations so who was going to listen to anything she had to say?

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And just to make sure we don’t forget that Future Kick is a wanted man, the Corporate Police make half-hearted attempts to kill him every once in awhile. (If Future Kick was really the fugitive everyone says he is, how is he able to turn in a captured criminal to the police and get the reward money? Maybe it’s some of kind of kickboxing power which clouds men’s minds.)

Future Kick and Snoopy Wife race through New Los Angeles in a search for the shocking truth that ultimately leads to a conclusion so startling the viewer actually groans out loud! Groans with ecstasy of course! Because in a future where cyborgs in sunglasses do all our kicking, the only reality is the reality that is real!

Surely, there must be a reason that New Los Angeles consists entirely of one rubble-strewn street and one scuzzy, poorly lit strip club! Well, beyond budget constraints that is. And what possible escape can there be for Future Kick and Snoopy Wife when they find themselves trapped in a deadly game of LaserBlade as the corporate police close in! My God! It’s almost like it was all the product of an insecure wife’s overheated mind and a virtual reality program that still has a few bugs in it! Or of Roger Cormans’s Concorde-New Horizons production company.

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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