Who was that masked man with the hairy lower back? That would be Don Diego de Vega, otherwise known as Zorro and I think that after seeing this movie, if Zorro was a real person, he would never reveal his secret identity more out of sheer embarrassment than out of any need to protect himself.
Producer David F. Friedman has previously tormented us with his yucky sex comedies in such varied vehicles of vulgarity as The Head Mistress, The Notorious Daughter Of Fanny Hill, and Trader Hornee.
In all of the films, low production values and lame humor share the stage with actors who seem almost relieved when it comes time for them to lose their clothes, roll around with one of their ugly co-stars and stop having to remember their lines. The Erotic Adventures Of Zorro, at 102 minutes, takes advantage of this format to its fullest and manages to showcase several lethargic bumping and grinding scenes to no good effect.
The only positive thing about producer David F. Friedman also writing the script for this one is that producer David F. Friedman probably only had to pay screenwriter David F. Friedman what he was worth.
This is a script after all that features a character named Felipio Latio (just to make sure we get “it” we have to watch him force a gal to “service” him) and several bits of dialogue that elicit groans (any mention of swords, the entire story told about a cock fight) or just leave you scratching your head (“as we say in Spanish – take off your clothes!”).
Of course, the moment that deserves to be in any highlight reel (and is featured in the trailer included on the DVD) is when Zorro returns some tax money to a priest and tells the padre that he’s now going off to get laid, and by way of explanation says that “Zorro always tells it like it is.” Well, except when he’s pretending to be gay, but he’s in deep cover then, right?
Luis Bonasario is collecting taxes. It’s like he (or someone) says, “if you want good government, you’ve got to pay for it.” Some of the villagers are whining that they don’t have the money and the next thing you know a guy gets killed and Don Diego de Vega’s father is lamenting how crappy L.A. has gotten and that this Luis guy needs to be run out of town.
His son is back in Spain training at a military academy and is the best horse rider and swordsman around. Surely, if Donnie would come back, he could straighten things out.
A letter is quickly dispatched to Donnie over in Spain and he immediately sets about coming home to help his dad out, but not before having a going away orgy! That’s the least his buddies could do for him since he’s going to be playing a homosexual once he gets back home!
After getting into a rather pointless fight with a guy during his orgy, Donnie makes his way back to L.A. and is briefed by his father and friends about the dire straits they find themselves in. Donnie immediately hits upon a plan as he starts talking with a bit of a lisp and holding his hand out limply.
I guess I’m supposed to think that he’s assumed this disguise so that no one would ever suspect him of being the musky Zorro, but was it really necessary for him to start dressing in bright red matador outfits, ride a little white donkey, and carry a white parasol with him everywhere he went?
Zorro’s first bit of action (so to speak) comes when he rescues the two gals that were taken prisoner on tax day. The movie displays a startlingly ambiguousness of what it means to be a hero and shows us that Zorro isn’t just a one dimensional do gooder when he starts groping these poor hotties as he’s loading them up into his getaway ox cart.
Clearly, Friedman is attempting to tell us that there are dark corners in the hearts of even the purest among us. Of course, it wasn’t that long ago that Zorro was having an orgy in that dark corner, but just because you put on a mask, doesn’t mean you’re suddenly a eunuch, right?
What passes for action in this movie (fully-clothed action that is) occurs towards the end of things when Zorro roughs up a bunch of soldiers. One guy falls off a building after losing a sword fight, another guy has a big Z carved on his behind and predictably complains that this Zorro is becoming a pain in the ass.
Zorro challenges Luis’ evil crony Esteban to a battle the next day in Luis’ office! It’s gay Donnie that shows up though, but the clever Luis figures out that gay Donnie is really Zorro and a rather tepid sword fight between Donnie and Esteban ensues, culminating in Esteban’s shoulder getting cut and him whining that he’ll never be able to fight again. Zorro, ever the philosopher, says that’s okay because it’s better to be a lover than a fighter.
Everyone in this movie pretty much stinks, but I’ll single out Zorro for the brunt of things since it’s his erotic adventures we’re watching. The guy that plays him has the vocal range of a bored Chuck Norris and his shaggy early seventies hair cut is only good in that it helps deflect all of your attention from his icky mutton chops. What sort of Zorro has to make a mask so that his mutton chops are covered up?
He is also a bit scrawny to be running around without a shirt on, but frankly, this is the sort of movie where guys running around without their shirts is the least nasty thing you’ll have to view. Especially when Zorro is missing his pants. This whole thing can be summed up by a comment one character made to another: “I would call you an imbecile, but that would be a promotion!”
© 2013 MonsterHunter
