Sinbad of the Seven Seas (1989)

SinbadOfTheSevenSeasCoverThe last of the four movies made by that trinity of trash consisting of Cannon Films, the Italians, and Lou Ferrigno, Sinbad of the Seven Seas allows Lou to flex his acting chops as well as his basketball-sized pecs since there’s a scene where he has to act like he’s seduced by an Amazon.

As he awkwardly lays on her in a clinch, you can almost believe that when Lou’s dubbed voice says “gosh, you’re beautiful” that Lou’s lips also were mouthing the same words! And for just a moment, I firmly believed that Sinbad, Manbeef of the Sassy Seas wasn’t completely repulsed by touching female flesh!

And you better believe that this Sinbad is one sassy dame, I mean sailor. First off, his all-male sailing crew consists of a Greek and a dwarf! And guess who has a thing for short, fat midgets? Let’s just say that when Sinbad playfully slapped Pucci the Dwarf on his ass, Sinbad had Hulk-sized grin on face!

Then there’s the fact that he’s prancing around in purple tights and a little brocaded vest throughout much of the movie. This proved especially uncomfortable for me as I was forced to confront the fact that I somehow knew the word “brocaded.”

Not to worry though because this Sinbad flick pulled out all the stops, pumping up everything Lou’s previous work in Italian muscle movies like Hercules and The Adventures Of Hercules II did so well (mammoth gluts, pecs and traps), minimized the shortcomings of those two movies (lack of midgets, lack of kung fu buddy in rainbow colored clothes, lack of a Viking), and added all the things that were missing in them (bodybuilder sorceress, palace with trap door in floor).

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The evil wizard Jaffar has taken control of the city by stealing four gems. The four gems are hidden throughout the ancient world and Sinbad and his posse have to go and find them to free the kingdom, save the princess and reunite her with the prince who is part of Sinbad’s crew. Before Sinbad can go out on his quest for the jewels, he has to escape the dungeon he falls into via the trap door in the throne room of the palace.

This is where we get our first hint of how awesome this movie will be. Down in the dungeon with Sinbad are a bunch of deadly snakes! A lazier, far flabbier Sinbad movie would probably have Sinbad get into a big snake fight with lots of shots of Sinbad holding a rubber snake to his face and pretending to struggle so as not to get bit. Lou’s Sinbad? He just chats up the snakes, commiserating with them about how no one likes them and eventually ties them in knots to form a big snake-rope that he uses to climb out of the dungeon!

Out on the open seas in search of the gems, Sinbad and his crew encounter all sorts of horrors in various lands, most noxious of them all, the Amazon queen who subjects them to a tribal dance routine! She shimmies and shakes in front of our tied up heroes until one by one they have no choice, but to pass out!

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Sinbad and company battle a variety of other freaks as well. There’s the ship full of the undead that Sinbad first tries to fight with a bow and arrow before remembering how much of a bad ass he is and going toe to toe with them. Unsurprisingly, he knocks one of their heads clean off and finishes off the leader by putting his fist through the guy’s chest and pulling out his heart!

Well, I thought it was his heart until Sinbad and I got a look at it. It turns out it’s a miniature head complete with face! There’s only thing to do about that. Sinbad pops that nasty little head like a pimple and green goo splatters everywhere!

There’s also a rock monster, a monster that looks like a guy in big slimy fat suit, and a bunch of haunted knights. (This means lots of slow motion shots of guys clubbing empty suits of armor.)

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By the time Sinbad makes it back to face Jaffar for the last time, Jaffar has obviously grown desperate because he goes nuclear on Sinbad! Using all the magic at his disposal, Jaffar conjures up… another Sinbad! Just as powerful as our Sinbad! He knows every thought and every move the real Sinbad knows! All of Sinbad’s advantages are suddenly nullified!

What follows can only be described as the most intense all-Lou struggle ever captured on film! So evenly matched are these two that not much more happens beyond lots of straining, gritting of teeth, grunting and clutching of various body doubles who are filmed from behind. It ends the only it could – by having good Sinbad flip bad Sinbad into a fiery pit somehow.

And do you how tough this Sinbad is? With Jaffar defeated, Sinbad exacts his revenge by forcing him to… resign as the king’s wizard! I don’t know what Jaffar was moping around about – that sounds a lot better on your resume than “fired for trying to take over the kingdom and draining the lifeforce of the princess.”

But that wasn’t the last surprise. That would have to be when Sinbad goes and gets married! To a woman! And she wasn’t even a dwarf! But not to worry hunk fans – Sinbad may be walking off with his new bride, but he’s walking off in a very silky, very flamboyantly colored blouse!

© 2015 MonsterHunter

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