All of the deaths caused by those grody cave creatures, the Boogens, can be laid directly at the feet of that crazy old man Greenwalt. If he had properly done his job as the town kook, maybe everybody wouldn’t have been so surprised when a scaly tentacle wrapped around their leg or a bony claw slashed their throat leading them to bleed out all over the floor. Continue reading
It turns out those tasty slime logs are loaded with deadly parasites and you don’t want to find that out the hard way like one of the characters did during a business lunch when he was on the verge of getting the big contract signed. As any great business person would tell you, part of the art of the deal is not having your face explode at the negotiating table! Continue reading
At first glance it seems sensible to be concerned for the children’s safety when the polar bear attacks the ballet school. After all, the lumbering brute is just part of a whole group of animals rampaging across the city after drinking some bad zoo water. Rats are eating cats and people, Cheetahs are racing Volkswagens and folks are getting strangled by elephant trunks! What chance do a bunch of wimpy dance kids have against the most dangerous animal to ever enjoy an ice cold Coke? Continue reading
A cyborg is programmed to kill the one man who can save all of humanity from total ecological collapse! But while they may have replaced his wimpy meat hands with awesome metal hands (that look exactly like wimpy meat hands), they forgot to replace the one thing that matters most to a man! No, not his dingus! You’d have to ask his girlfriend Linda about that, you perv!
He still has his heart! And that is how he explains why when he delivered his patented death punch to the blind Al Gore-esque eco messiah, he eased up just a bit so that the ruptured spleen the poor bastard suffered didn’t immediately kill him! Uh thanks for having such a big heart, I guess. Continue reading
Lifepod is a cautionary tale as relevant today as it was when no one first saw or heard of it when it came out in 1981. If you own a business that has any ideas about automating anything or turning control over to a computer, you will be shocked by what transpires in this film!
The Main Cerebral computer intelligence which runs the luxury space liner Arcturus, attains sentience and begins to behave in a terrifying manner! A terrifying manner which resembles no less than the usual run-of-the-mill disgruntled employee! Continue reading
“You’re saying Shooman is a KGB agent, out at the front, countering Vietcong attacks! Sounds like science fiction!” Sure does, but you know what else it sounds like? A Bruno Mattei movie! The fact that it was Romano Puppo who spit out this bit of soft-headed, hard-boiled dialogue only confirms it! (Puppo (Escape from the Bronx, 2019: After the Fall of New York) spends most of his scenes chewing out Brent Huff for calling him “Skipper” prompting the classic line, “this isn’t a goddamn yacht club!”) Continue reading
There’s some pretty poor decision making going on in Dario Argento‘s Inferno. The dippy woman who tries to steal the most evil book this side of the Necronomicon? Be glad you only got murdered later on and didn’t get your face shoved in the pot of boiling gunk the dude with the monster claws was using to fix books with. Next time try using your library card! Continue reading
Other than putting a swanky country club and housing development on top of an ancient Indian burial ground, is there anything more obviously asking for supernatural disaster than building a cathedral over the mass grave of heaps of murdered witches? Continue reading
It’s easy to see why Sphinx stinks in scenes like the one where Egyptologist Erica Baron attempts to justify her desire to get credit for a big discovery she makes by playing the gender card, complaining that men get all the breaks in her profession. It’s a scene that seems to come out of nowhere, doesn’t make you sympathetic to her since we hadn’t seen her mistreated by academia and frankly just doesn’t make any sense since the whole point of her going to Egypt in the first place was to do some research, get published and to make a name for herself. And besides, if she were a man, wouldn’t she still want credit for a discovery of such magnitude? Continue reading
Three of the cinema’s best genres are finally mixed together to produce a love child of death, dismemberment, and amputee fellatio! Taking the very finest elements of the Vietnam POW movie, the stolen Nazi gold movie, and the micro-budget mid 1980s Italian action movie, Dog Tags manages to even work in a strip club scene for no reason except that director Romano Scavolini (Nightmare In A Damaged Brain) is just that damn good! Could anything less be expected from the brother of the writer of American Rickshaw? Continue reading