For 20 minutes, Future Hunters is the greatest movie ever made. With its Richard Norton leatherpocalypse scenes of non-stop Mad Max-style cars racing around desolate rock and sand covered terrain and its violent shoot outs complete with exploding vehicles, it was like someone took Equalizer 2000 and Raiders Of The Sun and compressed them into a highly concentrated speedball of sneering and sweating ultra-manly aggression. It probably makes sense that that someone was director Cirio H. Santiago who also teamed up with Richard Norton and Rich’s leather pants to bring us Equalizer 2000 (in the same year no less!) and Raiders Of The Sun!
The opening narration lets us know exactly what sort of post-apocalypse we are in for which I’m always in favor of because it’s so much quicker to just tell me why Rich has jumped off a two story tower into his leather pants than to show me with a bunch of boring set up scenes of the world going into the crapper. (It’s all probably going to be a montage of stock disaster footage and bad models getting blown up anyway.)
I don’t even remember what the specifics were this time around beyond the fact that Rich was the last guy left that was trying to recover the Spear of Longinus in an effort to somehow reverse the holocaust that had occurred several decades prior. (For all you liberals and other atheists out there, the Spear of Longinus is the spear that Jesus was stabbed with.)
To give you an idea of the perfectness of these opening scenes, you have to understand a little about Equalizer 2000. That movie was built around Rich’s love affair with a mega-gun called the Equalizer 2000. It was souped up and could shoot explosive shells among other things. It was pretty sweet, but it kept getting stolen and it seemed to have a horrible time finding its mark because Rich was fighting the same guys for well over an hour before really making a dent in them with the E2K.
In Future Hunters though, Rich is equipped with a gun that frankly surpasses the E2K. This one has the capacity to blast everything like the E2K, but you can also load it with exploding arrows just like Rambo used!
Condensed though things are, the first 20 minutes mimics the plot of a full-sized post-apocalyptic flick by having Rich get captured, escape, and miraculously run right into the temple where the spear is hidden!
But the bad guys aren’t exactly giving up! They’re going after Rich, but because Future Hunters isn’t just about raising the bar for this sort of thing, but is all about chucking it into the stratosphere, they don’t send a wave of thugs in after him. They just start blasting away at him with tanks!
Oh Spear of Longinus! Please use your mysterious, unexplained, and all around nonsensical superpowers to deliver Rich from this awesomely explosive evil!
And it does! It sends Rich straight on back in time, right back into the 1980s, leather pants and vest and all!
And as luck would have it (for the audience!), he stumbles out of the temple and smack dab into a biker gang trying to rape a woman!
Rich beats them up, gets shot, and stabs a guy with the Spear of Longinus (he turns to ash!) and before dying in the car of the woman and her boyfriend, delivers enough plot points to keep them going for the next extraordinarily painful (and Richard Norton free) 75 minutes!
The rest of the movie is stupidly boring though Cirio was pulling out all the stops to try to make up for pulling the old switcheroo on us with his abandonment of the Richard Norton future world for the Robert Patrick and ugly girlfriend current world.
There’s some self-styled Nazis after the Spear and if they get their hands on it, the world will end for some reason and cause Richard Norton’s world to become a reality, but if Robert and his old lady can stop them, I guess we get to keep our old, boring, crappy world where cars don’t have spikes welded to the hoods.
The movie from here on out is a series of unexplained coincidences and plot holes that have the good guys and bad guys encountering each other and losing the head of the spear to each other with a tedious regularity. Even the characters seemed to be deliberately doing stuff to make sure action occurred no matter how pointless.
How else to explain that the head Nazi didn’t kill the good guys right away, but waited until he was in his helicopter to fire missiles at his own compound where the good guys were trying to escape? Or that the bad guys left a fueled up second helicopter with a flight plan right there for the good guys to steal and fly after them? Or that the bad guys then left a bomb on the second helicopter just in case the good guys steal it and fly after them? Or that the bad guys use the radio to warn/taunt the good guys that there’s a bomb on board and the bad guys are just about to set it off which gives the good guys time to jump out into the ocean and escape again?
You’ve also got a kung fu scene that didn’t have anything to do with anything which involved a friend of Robert Patrick he knew in Hong Kong. This guy was fighting against one of those white haired kung fu masters and I suppose it was memorable for when Robert’s friend pulled some nunchucks out of his sock.
There was also a tribe of Filipino midgets Robert and his lady had to help out against another tribe which went on forever and amounted to nothing.
This was one time I was rooting for the “shock” ending where somehow Richard Norton’s ruined future happened anyway and we’d get to see him killing stuff as the credits rolled. Instead it ended with Robert’s girlfriend holding the spear up in the air while wearing a goofy smile as Robert Patrick and his midget buddies looked on appreciatively.
If you insist on post-apocalypse Filipino midget action, I recommend watching Equalizer 2000 and then playing the first part of this movie like it was the epilogue to Equalizer 2000 and then shut it all down and fire up Raiders Of The Sun.
© 2013 MonsterHunter