The Terror Within (1989)

You know how I knew this was one serious apocalypse? It wasn’t because 99% of the human race had been wiped out. 99% of people are suck, plain and simple. An accidental release of a some kind of mega germ that did that is something I would characterize as more of a cure than a disaster.

It also wasn’t because the big bad monsters that were on the loose were killing star Andrew Stevens’ friends either. And heinous as it surely was, it wasn’t because one of the monsters got into the underground shelter and raped Andrew’s old lady. You really kind of have to assume that’s a possibility when producer Roger Corman is involved. The gals in Galaxy Of Terror and Humanoids from the Deep can attest to that.

No, what really clued me in that we were dealing with a Grade A Code Red Defcon 10 straight up FUBAR situation was when this monster tried to kill Butch the dog!

Butch was the real star of the movie, demonstrating bravery in the face of a stuntman dressed in a silly rubber monster costume and convincingly laying down after being smacked around by the monster. Butch was ready to go anywhere and fight anything at anytime, a quality that some of his human teammates didn’t exactly have in this movie.

For instance, there’s lazy assed commander George Kennedy who orders everyone else out into the wasteland to check and see what brutally murdered a couple of crew members while he stays behind to watch someone else monitor the computers! Frankly, when they were talking about cutting back to 900 calories per day to ration their supplies, I was thinking they ought to just roast big old George which would enable them to go up to about 4000 calories a day for a couple of weeks! The plague must have made George immune to the effects of all the sweating and starving everyone else was afflicted with!

Fat guys sending everyone but themselves on suicide missions aside, The Terror Within features danger at every turn! When Andrew, Butch, and his old lady go out in search of some missing crew members, they find a human camp site littered with bodies.

They also turn up a woman survivor who is being chased by one of the monsters they call gargoyles. The gargoyles are all about ripping people up with their claws. Unless you’re a young hottie in which case they’re looking to hook up with you!

Back in the underground lab, the woman they found is examined and found to be pregnant! Everyone is excited because if the child is born healthy then it means that people are beginning to live normally outside again.

The underground lab is a disease control center in the Mojave Desert and I guess they’re trying to find a vaccine to the plague, but it seems to me they were just sitting around hoping people would get well on their own!

In any case, we’re all ecstatic about the pregnancy! Until she goes from 3 months preggers to 7 or 8 months preggers in a single night! Any first year medical student will tell you that’s a monster fetus rumbling around in that chick’s gut! Time for one monster-sized third trimester abortion!

I don’t want to get political here, but this is precisely the sort of situation that Roe v. Wade was designed to protect! Before a woman had a right to choose, she was forced to carry her inhuman monster child to full term! It didn’t matter if it was a really nasty thing that looked like an Alien rip-off or that it was full of fangs and claws and was prone to scurrying into air shafts as soon as it was born, you had to keep it!

What the pro-choice crowd says is that we are taking back our bodies from the genetic mutations that rape and impregnate our sexiest scientists! The anti-choice crowd though comes squarely down on the side of non-consensual demon sex! I mean, do we really want orphanages full of nasty little creatures that are never going to grow up to be taxpaying citizens? That’s freaking socialism!

I’m also in favor of late term monster abortions because they’re so dang gory! Everyone is dressed in white and the doctor is slicing this big belly open and the next you know her hand is caught inside and this disgusting gooey thing is busting out, spraying blood everywhere and hauling ass out of sight!

This is always when these kinds of movies kick into a comfortably familiar high gear! We’ve seen it so much, we could jump right in and tell these idiots what to do!

Scour the lab’s blueprints, lock down levels, divide into teams, drive the monster down to an area that can be closed off, and gas that mother! And if someone can get a clear shot with one of our improvised weapons, take it for Christ’s sake! Now, let’s all get after it and get picked off one by one until just the star and his dog are left!

There’s another botched abortion, people getting clawed, and last ditch schemes that happily involve turning an elevator shaft into a giant blender!

The monster never really looks like anything other than a guy in a padded suit, but he gets set on fire and is seen putting the wood to some hapless babe, so I’m not going to complain too loudly.

Still, his bulky self looks a bit silly crawling around air shafts (when you’re an escaped fetus, it’s okay, but it’s really beneath a full grown humanoid creature to clumsily sneak around like that) and it was never really explained just what sort of plague could have possibly caused a genetic mutation that was humanoid, possessed super strength, was vulnerable to a dog whistle and could mate with human females and be born two days after conception, but that may explain why everyone in the lab concentrated on making moonshine instead of finding a cure.

This movie will stay with you long after you’ve seen it, mainly because the explosion in the elevator shaft is seen in every single sci-fi movie (Unknown Origin and Star Hunter to name a few) made after this one that Roger Corman was involved with.

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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