City Beneath the Sea (1971)

While there are no official records to confirm it, it’s pretty obvious after watching City Beneath the Sea that it was the cause of the great jumpsuit shortage of 1971.

The film takes place in one of those movie futures where almost everyone wears monochromatic onesies while puttering around banks of flashing buttons and pretending that repurposed office furniture are some sort of advanced gear specially designed for the rigors of undersea urban life.

The jumpsuits are apparently used to designate rank or job classification with chocolate seemingly one of the most elite (next to the Admiral’s not unexpected white one) since it was modeled by special guest star Robert Wagner. (Perhaps it’s no surprise that the stunningly unflattering mustard yellow is worn by many of the faceless extras.) Continue reading “City Beneath the Sea (1971)”

The Stranger Within (1974)

You know your pregnancy has gone off the rails when Bosley from Charlie’s Angels is hypnotizing you and demanding to know who the real father of your child is! But what else is your husband supposed to do when he’s had a vasectomy, but you somehow go and turn up all preggers despite swearing up and down that you’ve always been faithful? Do you want to save your marriage or not? Then keep your eye on the swinging pendant and try not to claw your ears out listening to David Doyle’s gravelly voice interrogating you about your sex life! Continue reading “The Stranger Within (1974)”

Inseminoid (1981)

It’s admittedly a tough break for the space archeologists investigating the ruins on an alien world in a cave that the only thing they find is some strange markings on a wall, an exploding batch of evil crystals and an alien running a fertility clinic. With the team’s creepy doctor injecting all the women with birth control drugs, that’s like the last thing they need!

Being the disciplined and well trained group of explorers they are though, once team members start turning up dead, becoming possessed killers, and getting knocked up by horny aliens, their hours of drilling for just such worst case scenarios pays off as they coolly manage each successive crisis, right? Continue reading “Inseminoid (1981)”

Flight from Paradise (1990)

It was while watching Flight from Paradise, an obscure Italian post-apocalyptic film mostly about not much of anything, that I finally realized what it was that Logan’s Run had been missing. Camels! Sure, it had Farah Fawcett-Majors, cool models, ice cavern, large robot, Sandmen, Carousel and a ruined Washington D.C. and Flight from Paradise had none of them, but it did have several dopes cruising around on dromedaries! Continue reading “Flight from Paradise (1990)”

The Medusa Touch (1978)

If you had ever told me that trading a dirty fish tank for Sir Richard Burton (Cleopatra, The Robe) in a movie about a killer brain would be total downgrade, I would have been right to scoff at such an absurd suggestion.

But then I watched The Medusa Touch in which the viewer is subjected to almost two hours of Burton whining to his psychiatrist (Lee Remmick obviously cashing in on her supernatural notoriety from her role in The Omen. For his part, Burton was fresh off The Exorcist II, so he was just cashing in.) about how he keeps hoping people would die horrible deaths and then they did. After that, I couldn’t help but think wistfully back to the golden age of killer brain movies like Donovan’s Brain. Continue reading “The Medusa Touch (1978)”

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

In the far future, the world has descended into chaos! It is a time of sorcery! It is a time of flying motorbikes and laser guns! It is a time of mutants! And most mind-shatteringly of all, it is time of people walking around! And standing around! And talking! And driving! This is the grubby, dull and economically budgeted world that Jared-Syn wants to rule!

But there is one Ranger, a Finder (whatever that means!) named Dogen, who has the guts (and leather pants) to hunt Jared-Syn down in his mountain fortress and talk all the guys with deformed faces out of naming Jared-Syn as their new chief. (Admittedly, Jared-Syn doesn’t help his cause much when he claims Dogen is lying about him just being all about the power and making everyone his slaves when moments later he announces that he is their master.) Continue reading “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)”

Incoming (2018)

In space, no one can hear you drop the soap in the prison shower! Incoming, a Serbia-lensed (and most obviously, Serbia-budgeted) film features a concept so stunningly stupid, you’re amazed it took all the way until 2018 for a bottom-feeding action movie to come up with it!

You know how we got all these terrorists running around these days? And how we need information from the ones we capture about their future plans and organizational structure? But since they’re hard core fanatics, they usually aren’t willing to provide any useful intel even when we offer sweet deals such as reducing their sentence from 114 life sentences to 99 life sentences?

We also can’t go all Jack Bauer on them because everyone with a conscience starts screaming about the Geneva Convention! Heck, it’s gotten so bad on the terror fighting front that people even complain when we call torture “enhanced interrogation” instead! Damn, when did everyone get so sensitive? Continue reading “Incoming (2018)”