Urban Warriors (1987)

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What took man centuries to build, Italian film director Giuseppe Vari takes seconds to destroy through a barrage of mushroom cloud stock footage! Even more terrifying is that Vari apparently got a buy one, get one free deal on stock footage because he follows up his mushroom clouds with shots of volcanoes erupting!

There’s no need to fret though that he’s going to use the volcanoes to do something silly like having Earth overrun by lava monsters. Vari knows that what will happen following an apocalyptic nuclear war is an immediate rise in the population of mutant biker gangs! Continue reading “Urban Warriors (1987)” →

Witch’s Night Out (1978)

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It’s the Halloween that almost wasn’t for Crybaby Town! Everyone has lost that spooky spirit, from the kids to the town elders all the way down to the local haunted house where the town’s resident witch lives out her days, remembering how great she used to have it, a veritable Norma Desmond, but with a mole and magic wand instead of houseguest William Holden. Continue reading “Witch’s Night Out (1978)” →

The Prince of Terror (1988)

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What does a family man do when he’s pushed to the limit by a pair of home invading lunatics? How far will he go to protect his wife and daughter? Will society turn a blind eye to the retribution he seeks after getting a prank phone call that makes fun of his last name? What sort of payback is justified when his toilet is clogged up with the script from his latest movie?

These are just some of the heavy-duty nut scratching philosophical questions horror director Lamberto Bava poses in this Italian TV movie about a horror director who is shooting what looks to be an Italian TV movie. But could questions so fundamental be possibly addressed in such a piece of entertainment so trashy that one actress starts talking about orgasms at the dinner table while a child is present? Continue reading “The Prince of Terror (1988)” →

The Mummy Theme Park (2000)

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When I first heard there was something called a Mummy Theme Park, I was like “where the hell do I sign up for a season pass?” I was imagining all the good times my family and I would be having on the Tutankhamen Twister, getting some mini golf in at the Sphinx Links, and enjoying a repast of Horus d’oeuvres while washing it down with some Scarab Beetlebeer. It was going to be like going to the Harry Potter theme park, but with bad ass mummies lurching here and there instead of snot-nosed British gits waving wands in your face.

But then the movie started and I felt like I was being put through the beginning stages of mummification. You know, the part where you get a rod shoved into your cranial cavity so the brain can be broken up and run out of your nose. It was like that. But worse. Continue reading “The Mummy Theme Park (2000)” →

A Man Called Rage (1984)

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It’s really like any other post-apocalypse. It begins with all manner of stock footage depicting modern life and mushroom clouds right down to the same shots of houses being blown away in an atomic blast we’ve seen since they were first shot in the 1960s by the US government.

And then it’s time for Director Tonino Ricci to bring his uniquely personal vision to the aftermath! A personal vision that looks like a Cirio H. Santiago movie (think endless shots of rock strewn desert), but without all the colorful mutants, midgets, and guys dressed up like they were into Mad Max cosplay. In short, the terrifying unimaginative (and by extension, quite budget friendly) vision we saw from Tonino the year before in his film Rush! But now we’ve upgraded our hero from a bad ass named Rush to a raging bad ass named Rage! Continue reading “A Man Called Rage (1984)” →

Rush (1983)

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This post-apocalypse is brought to you by big ass belt buckles! Foregoing the usual Italian Mad Max ripoff accoutrements such as spiked shoulder pads and metal studded codpieces, Rush takes a less ostentatious approach by having Rush’s wasteland edition leather pants sturdily secured by a belt buckle roughly the size of the bloody mutant rat Rush cringes at upon seeing.

Initially you admire this subtle approach the film takes versus more flamboyant Italian dishes such as Exterminators of the Year 3000, The New Barbarians, 2020 Texas Gladiators and 2019: After the Fall of New York. As the film progresses though, you begin to suspect that what’s happening isn’t because of a sudden attack of artistic restraint on the part of director Tonino Ricci (Raiders of the Magic Ivory, Days of Hell so much as the grim reality of financial constraint.

Continue reading “Rush (1983)” →

The Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

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I worry about Atlantis. A lot. In all the discussions about all the cool ways civilization will end (gamma ray burst, nuclear war, plague, cows farting too much), there is a strange, unsettling silence about the possibility of the reemergence of Atlantis ending life as we know it!

And it isn’t like Atlantis is some brand new threat just thought up by liberals trying to raise your taxes. It’s been around for 2400 years since Plato invented it to make some political/philosophical point no one cares about!

So how come we aren’t seeing a bunch of specials on the PsuedoHistory Channel about the danger of Atlantis to Mankind? It’s always alien invasions when the deadliest invasion of them all is going to come right out of the ocean (and stinking to high heaven, no doubt!) with all their superior technology and angry antipathy toward us dimwitted surface dwellers! Continue reading “The Raiders of Atlantis (1983)” →