Final Mission (1984)

Seargent Vince Deacon has been on a lot of missions, from the secret dirty little war he was fighting in Laos in 1972 to the war on the streets of a scuzzy early 1980s Los Angeles as the guy on the SWAT team voted “Most Likely to Have PTSD” to the home invasion he has to fight off when he’s just trying to get a little off duty booty from his wife!

All those are pretty awesome missions, no doubt about it. How can you possible top a mission where you fought your traitor buddy hand to hand while huts were exploding all around you? Or when you rode on top of a squad car, leaping off of it onto a fire escape and then blasted your way through some scumbag gang so awesomely that you were interviewed on the news about it? Or when you’re in the middle of giving your wife an orgasm and you have to pull out to snap the necks of a bunch of punks who are breaking into your house? Continue reading “Final Mission (1984)”

The Trident Force (1989)

Abu Hassad, a super-terrorist who does drugs and screws boys in between terror attacks, is positively wearing out the world on behalf of the Palestinian group he leads. When he’s not behind an attack on a British desert base in the Middle East, he’s involved with a suicide bomber in Malaysia or shooting up the Israeli ambassador and his wife and kids!

When the elite special forces of various countries aren’t enough to stop this madman, the only solution is…Trident Force. Which is a combination of soldiers from the elite special forces that couldn’t get the job done in the first place!

Continue reading “The Trident Force (1989)”

China Salesman (2017)

For one brief glorious moment, China Salesman threatened to live up to its high concept hype, a carnival freakshow of absurd action featuring the dream team up of 1988, Mike Tyson and Steven Seagal, that only international film companies would be goofy enough to finance.

Tyson, playing Kabbah, a native of an unnamed African country who dreams of getting his tribal homeland back for his people is in a bar run by Lauder (Seagal), a shady former merc/special ops guy (of course). Kabbah refuses to drink alcohol so naturally Lauder has him served with a glass of piss instead.

A bar fight between the two ensues drenched in sweat (I think Seagal was drenched just from having to stand up) and lots of stylized slow motion that probably was meant to compensate for the limitations weighing 300 pounds necessarily places on Seagal. The sequence ends in pitch perfect fashion when a victorious Tyson snarls to a knocked out Seagal, “motherfucker, you drink piss!” Continue reading “China Salesman (2017)”

Tough Cops (1988)

Take one part Miami Vice (the part where the movie says it takes place in Miami and where the black guy wears terrible clothes), one part Dirty Harry (Rom Kristoff‘s Nick Carpenter doesn’t care how many times he gets chewed out by his superiors – he’s going to keep shooting bad guys!), a healthy dose of Rambo (right before throwing a knife in a guy’s back, Nam vet Nick mutters “first blood”), marinate it all in a cheap Filipino action movie and you have a tasty batch of Tough Cops! Continue reading “Tough Cops (1988)”

The Operative (2000)

The least convincing aspect of The Operative isn’t Brain “The Boz” Bosworth’s portrayal of a Texas cowboy billionaire (Grady) who works for the CIA. It also isn’t the Boz’s portrayal of a former CIA agent (Alec) who resembles the Texas cowboy billionaire so much, he’s forced by a former KGB agent to assume his identity for an art heist scheme. It isn’t even Vancouver straining to play Boston for no real reason (except for some Red Sox references whenever the Boz and the Russian were taking turns beating each other with baseball bats). Continue reading “The Operative (2000)”

Blood Debts (1985)

It’s every avid picnicker’s worst nightmare! Just when you’re settling in for a little potato salad and grab ass in the woods, a bunch of hunters show up and start shooting you and gang raping your old lady! It’s almost as bad as ants!

But this isn’t just a picnic gone horribly wrong! This is the picnic from hell because as the girl escapes her attackers, she starts yelling for her daddy! The picnic must have almost been in her backyard because her daddy comes running out of his house just in time to see his daughter blasted to death! And then they shoot him in the head! The only way this picnic could get any worse if it started raining! Continue reading “Blood Debts (1985)”

To the Death (1992)

Flawed kickboxing champ BJ Quinn has cleaned up his life and ironed out a lot of the character deficiencies he proudly displayed in American Kickboxer. He’s quit drinking, settled down and married his girlfriend, and is finally retiring from the sport and the violence that has been his life!

He’s even taken a stand against profanity, responding to his rival calling him an unflattering twelve letter word with “you shut your foul mouth and you hit the road! Look, I don’t need this shit!” Exactly B.J.! Guys like us living a straight edge, no profanity life don’t need some asshole polluting our gentlemanly air! That’s total bullshit! Continue reading “To the Death (1992)”